Breastfeeding Woes

This post isn't really exciting, but more just something I wanted to document for myself.  While we were in the hospital, everyone commented about how well Kinley was doing with breastfeeding.  The first time I fed her, there was a lactation consultant that came in and helped me get started.  She determined that Kinley was sucking too much on her tongue and thought she would latch on better with a nipple shield.  In hindsight, I wish she was a little less hurried and more patient.  Once we started with the shield, we never went back.  She told me to only use it for a week, but once we went down that road, I didn't know how to take it away.

In the hospital, Kinley was latching on great and quickly, and feeding well.  The nurses commented on how well she was doing.  Another lactation consultant stopped by and was impressed, and the same consultant from the first night came by again and was pleased with what she saw.  So, I was feeling great about the whole thing - taking care of my baby how nature intended.

Once we got home, things started slowly sliding downhill.  The first couple of days were ok, even though it would take her a while to eat and I was tired.  Then, it started getting harder to get her to latch on.  She would cry (and sometimes scream) and pull away from me.  Luckily my mom was still here and very patient, so she would help.  John was supportive and patient, too, and helped as much as he could.  I'm glad we took the breastfeeding class together.  It was hard to not get upset when something that was initially so easy, started backfiring on me.  I had no idea what I was doing wrong, or why she was so upset.  Even when she would latch on, she would quicly pull off, in what seemed like frustration.  I was worried early on because I never felt the big "rush" of my milk coming in like women describe.  I knew she was getting something, because there would be milk in the nipple shield after she was finished, but I didn't know how much.

Everything kind of came to a head after we had been home for a week.  My mom and I had gone to Target for a few things, and were a little late for her feeding time when we got back home.  We were supposed to meet John's parents for dinner that evening, so I was trying to shower, get ready and feed Kinley before it was time to leave.  I could not get her to eat for the life of me.  She cried and fought and cried some more, which left me in tears.  My mom was trying to help.  I kept switching sides to see if I could get her to latch on at all.  My mom finally called my best friend to come over, as we had been trying for almost an hour, and she still hadn't eaten.

By the time Kathy got to our house, I was ready to give up.  I didn't know what was wrong, but clearly something wasn't going well.  Kathy suggested I pump a little bit just to get the milk flowing.  So, we tried that, but Kinley still wouldn't latch on.  I finally caved and told John to make her a bottle.  I just couldn't let her keep going and not eating.  Kathy told me to pump while she fed Kinley the bottle.  Then we discovered what I had been fearing.  I just wasn't getting much milk at all, even though Kinley had completely missed a feeding at that point.  So, then I was even more upset, because something was "wrong" with me.  We had already cancelled our dinner plans at this point, which was good, because a big meltdown was on it's way.

Kathy told me not to give up, but with my lack of sleep and crazy hormones, I was a basket case.  Kathy left, and I went in our bedroom and just cried for a long time.  I think it felt even worse on top of my feelings about the c-section.  I felt so inadequate, now in multiple ways, and just like I was failing my week old daughter.  My mom and John had been worried that Kinley didn't look like she was gaining weight, and also that the jaundice wasn't going away very quickly.  As badly as I felt about the situation, I knew that Kinley had to get fed.  So, we decided to do a bottle at every feeding, and I would just pump what I could.  I wasn't getting much milk at all, which explains why she was so frustrated about feeding.  It broke my heart to not be able to follow through with my plans for feeding her, but I could deprive her of nutrition.  So my plan from there was to pump after every feeding, so she could get as much breast milk as I could offer her.  I figured getting a little bit of my milk was better than nothing at all.  We will continue with that and see how it goes.

** Update  4/30/12  We had Kinley's 2 week checkup last Friday (separate post) and after that we stopped by my doctor's office.  My doctor wanted me to give her a week's worth of blood pressure readings to see how that was doing.  While I was there I asked if they could call in a prescription for a medication that can help increase your milk supply.  After taking it for a couple of days, I noticed I was having some unpleasant side effects from it.  It was causing some muscle weakness in my arms, along with some restlessness.  I decided to give it a week to see if the benefits will outweigh the side effects.  I am still pumping just about every feeding, and giving her what I can about once a day.

** Update 5/15/12  I stopped taking the Reglan, because I wasn't noticing much of a difference in my production, and the muscle weakness was really bothering me.  After a lot of thought and debate over the weekend, I decided to stop everything with breast feeding.  On a good day, I was only getting about an ounce of milk total.  I have debated over and over in my head, and talked with my mom, John and Kathy, just to play off of other people.  I have terrible guilt about it, because on one hand I feel like I should still do whatever I can to give Kinley some of my milk.  At the same time, I feel like I'm spending 15 to 20 minutes every 3 hours, for very little milk, when I could be spending that time with her.  I usually put her down as soon as she's finished eating and I change her diaper, and then go pump.  If John is home, I would have him feed her while I pumped at the same time.  She's so alert now after feedings, and that is good quality time I can spend with her.  I truly gave it a really good effort, it seems it just wasn't meant to be.  I could keep beating myself up about it every day, but that's not productive, and I have made the decision to move on.  Kinley is a happy, healthy baby, and I need to just focus on the positive things.  As I write these last words, I am finished with my guilty thoughts about it.  I need to move on.