Good-Bye to A Good Friend

Perched in one of his favorite spots

Well, a day I knew I would always dread, has come our way. Yesterday, I had a 2 hour training to go to after school. While I was killing a little bit of time, John called and told me Kassie had called him to tell him that Jersey couldn't walk on his back legs. That morning, I had noticed he had some trouble getting down the stairs to go outside, but I thought it was just his usual morning stiffness that he had been experiencing lately. He's getting older (11 years), and it's just been a little harder for him to get around like he used to. When John called, I immediately began to worry, and I knew it wasn't a good sign.

To back up a little bit, in November of 2008, during a routine exam, the vet found a growth on one of his anal glands. They did a biopsy and found cancerous cells, so he had surgery the next week. He was given a "guarded" diagnosis, which meant about 8 - 12 months. The following August, we found another lump growing and took him in right away. We happened to see the vet who is the head of the practice we go to. She said that kind of cancer is very aggressive, and she wanted to do surgery that week. She operated on him herself, and aggressively removed the lump and some surrounding tissue, and cauterized a bunch of blood vessels, to hopefully prevent any spreading. She did tell us that if it spread, it would likely get into his muscle tissue, and he would start to lose control of his muscles.

In the previous few weeks, we had been noticing some incontinence from Jersey, and we weren't sure what to make of it. We didn't know if it was something he was doing intentionally, or something that he couldn't control. Once John told me he wasn't able to use his back legs, I immediately suspected the cancer had spread and was taking over his muscles. I wanted to hurry right home, but I knew I needed to get some more training hours in, and didn't want to have to schedule something again later. So, I went to my training, which felt like an agonizing 2 hours.

When I got home, John was in the backyard with the dogs. I went out and saw Jersey and instantly burst into tears. He was wagging his tail like crazy when he saw me, but he couldn't get up and walk to me. It literally tore my heart apart. John came over and hugged me and I just sobbed. Jersey was my first "baby," and I didn't even know how to begin to handle the situation. We knew that we couldn't let him go on like he was. It was heart wrenching to watch him even try to walk. We tried to help him by holding up his back legs, but he would yelp. We couldn't tell if he was in pain, or just scared, or both. I just sat on the floor inside with him and petted him for a while. We decided we would take him in to the vet this morning, as much as I didn't want to. I knew I couldn't bear to watch him like this.

We hadn't eaten yet, so we ran out to get something real quick, and got Jersey a hamburger. I sat on the floor and fed him. You would have never known anything was wrong, if you didn't see him try to walk. He was the same ol' dog. When everyone headed upstairs, he wanted to go, too. He knew the routine, and didn't want to stay downstairs by himself. I found a way to hold his back legs up so that it didn't seem to hurt him, and we helped him up the stairs "wheelbarrow" style. He made himself comfortable over by my nightstand, 1 of 2 places he would always sleep. When I woke up to go to the bathroom at one point, he had moved to the closet - his other favorite spot. I checked on him every time I got up.

In the morning, he scooted himself out of the closet, ready to go outside. As I watched John help him down the stairs, I knew I couldn't keep watching that scene. I just cried, watching him drag himself around the yard, finding a place to use the bathroom. So we decided to go ahead and take him to the vet first thing. He got so excited when he saw he was going in the car. We got him in the back of my car and went to the vet. We got there shortly after they opened at 7:00, but none of the vets would be there until 8. I just crawled in the back and sat with him. He was so observant of everything going on around him. He had no idea what was coming. One of the vet techs had to come out and help John get him into the office. They just kind of wrapped him up in the sheet we brought and carried him that way. Once we got him inside, he was scared - he was never one to like the vet much. While we waited in a room for a vet, I just sat on the floor and petted him.

The vet we saw has been with the practice the whole time we have gone there, but we have never personally seen her. She was very sympathetic, and looked through his chart. We wanted to make sure we were making the right choice. She told us how long-bodied dogs like Bassets can be prone to back injuries (something I knew), and they can try a combination of drugs to treat it, if it were something like a slipped disc. When she looked through the cancer diagnosis, she told us that he had long beat the odds, and the more we talked about his symptoms, I think she probably had the same conclusion we did. She told us what the procedure would be like, and made sure we wanted to be there. I couldn't imagine leaving my "baby" alone and scared at a time like that. John and I both sat on the floor and held his head, just petting him and talking to him. It all happened very quickly. He just laid his head down and closed his eyes. Once it was over, the vet asked if we would like her to say a prayer. I was touched by that, and of course we said "yes." They told us to take as much time as we needed to be with him, and just to come out when we were ready. We just kept petting him for a while. I felt such incredible sadness, and remorse at the same time. I kept questioning whether we did the right thing. In reality, we are not in a position right now that we could pour a bunch of money into testing, or treatment options. I also knew that if we took him home to try and see if he would get better, it would just kill me every time I saw him try to get around on his own.

It was so hard to come home without him, and of course Jake and Jasper wondered where their "big bubba" was. It was an incredibly hard day for me, but I knew there never would have been a time that it would have been easy. I also knew that it would be harder and harder for me to keep cleaning up messes, just for us to prolong his life another week or 2. We decided to have him cremated, and to have his ashes returned to us. It just seemed like he belongs at home with us.

We love and miss our big bubba. He was truly one of a kind, and we will never forget him!

Valentine's Day 2012

This was probably our most low-key Valentine's Day John and I have ever had together. Neither one of us are huge Valentine's Day fanatics, but we do enjoy celebrating our relationship. Nothing could top 2008, when John proposed to me, but we have fun finding something to do together. For several reasons, this year, we just weren't up to going out to a crowded restaurant where we would probably have to wait (even with a reservation), especially on a Tuesday night. So, we made our own menu, and went shopping over the weekend. Our steaks marinated for almost 3 full days, so we knew they would be delicious!

We agreed that we weren't doing anything for each other, because our money could be better spent in other places right now. John is never one to adhere to any of these self-imposed rules, so I should have known better. I made him a cute little homemade Valentine, and he showed up at my doctor appointment with a beautiful bouquet of white roses and chocolate covered strawberries. He also gave me a gift card for an ultimate mani/pedi at my favorite nail place. I felt like quite the lame wife when I gave him his construction paper Valentine at home later!!

After we left the doctor, we came home and started dinner. On the menu: steak, bacon-wrapped shrimp and baked potatoes. I worked on the inside stuff while John fired up the grill. Everything was absolutely delicious! We ate in our dining room, to set it apart from just any other evening at home. I really couldn't have cared less that we didn't go to a nice restaurant and spend a small fortune. I was with the person I love most in this world, and that was enough for me!

My flowers - he knows white are my favorite kind of roses.

My homemade Valentine for John

Our "spread." It was so yummy!

Dessert!

Me and my forever Valentine

Valentine's Day Dr. Visit

I had an appointment with Dr. Chatman today. We weren't originally supposed to go in again this soon, but her office needed to rearrange some things, so that's how we spent our Valentine's afternoon. We were never planning on going out this year, anyway, so it really wasn't a big deal. John was able to make it. I love that he likes going to my appointments with me! It was fun to watch him today during the ultrasound. He was standing up fairly close to the big TV screen on the wall just watching our little girl. He looked like a kid staring in awe at his favorite cartoon. I know that he is just as excited to meet our baby as I am, even though he has done this twice before.

Our little one is doing just fine. We were able to see her face a little bit better today, although the pictures didn't turn out great. You could actually see her mouth moving, making little sucking motions. It was really cool! A couple more months, and we can touch her, too!!

I think she looks like she has a little pig nose in this picture

I can't wait to squeeze those little cheeks!!

Baby Bump

29 Weeks down, 11 (or less) to go

Well I figured since I am documenting all of this for our daughter, I should start to include some pictures of my growing tummy. This is a picture of me at 29 weeks. I'm still having a hard time not feeling self-conscious when people say "awwww, look at your belly." I'm getting that more and more all the time, even from people at work that I don't see in the hallway on a daily basis. I know that it's part of being pregnant, and it means our little girl is growing like she should. I am definitely finding it harder and harder to do things that used to come easy. I have a harder time bending over to get things off of the floor. This doesn't go very well with the clumsiness I've been experiencing lately. I have read that it's pretty typical of this stage, but I feel like I drop EVERYTHING these days. And sometimes more than once! One night at dinner, I even noticed that it was really hard for me to bend over my plate at the table because of the way the baby was situated. It's definitely not just all squishy in there anymore.

Dr. Chatman's office called last week, and needed to rearrange some things, so I'm going in tomorrow for another appointment. Tomorrow happens to be Valentine's Day. We were never making big plans this year, anyway. We planned to cook dinner together and eat at home. Now, we'll get to see our baby together, and then cook dinner and eat together. Hopefully our little lovebug will be cooperative for us!!

What's In A Name?

After lots of consideration, we have finally decided on a name for our baby girl. Before I even met John, I had a few names that I really liked - I think most girls do. They have changed over time, and I've added new favorites to the mix. For a while now, I have really liked the name Grace as a middle name. My favorite translation of the name is "gift of God." That's how John and I have felt about this baby from the day we knew she existed. We have both felt that God has bestowed this beautiful gift on our lives.

We started tossing name ideas around pretty early on. It's probably a good thing that we are having a girl, because our discussions on boy names never got very far. Maybe it was a sign that we didn't need to spend time on that right now. Who knows. We both wanted to use a K name. It wasn't a must, but something we both kind of wanted. John says all of his "girls" start with a K, so the new one should, too. Many of the girls on my mom's side of the family also start with K. It wasn't really hard to generate names, it was harder to land on one and stick with it. One day when I was painting the nursery, a name just came to me. It was something I had heard before, but couldn't really place where. So, I asked John what he thought of the name Kinley. He immediately said he liked it, and then asked where I heard it. I told him I was standing in her room, and it just kind of popped in my head. We both agreed that it was somewhat unique, but not difficult to spell or pronounce (both requirements for me, after growing up with my name!). The more we talked about it, and tossed it around, the more we knew we liked it. We also thought it fit well with Grace as a middle name. A lot of websites I have looked at don't have a listing for Kinley, but the couple I have found say it's an Irish name and the translation is fair-haired or fair-haired Viking.

So, we officially have a name for our little sweetpea. Kinley Grace Sherlock. We can't wait to meet her!

Hello 3rd Trimester

It seems that every pregnancy calendar will tell you something different, but I am considering myself in the 3rd trimester now. I was 28 weeks pregnant yesterday, so I figure I am more than 2/3 of the way through. I would say that the 2nd trimester was definitely good for me. I understand why it is typically the favorite of the 3. My morning (or anytime-of-day) sickness only appeared occasionally, and I generally felt pretty good. The 1st trimester seemed to move really slowly. I felt sick at some point almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I was also just waiting to pass those "safe" times, where we could be more sure that everything would be ok with the baby. I know that anything can happen at any point, but once you pass some of those benchmarks, it is more likely that the pregnancy will go well. Around Christmas time is when I really started noticing more differences in my body. I'm a little bit slower moving at most things, but I don't feel completely hampered yet. I would have to say the best thing is feeling the baby more and more. I can feel her moving around all the time, and definitely feel stronger kicks. It makes me laugh when she will kick and I push on my stomach in that same place and she kicks me back. Maybe that is the playful side to her personality.

So far, I still haven't really had any weight gain. In fact, the last 2 doctor visits, I have actually lost a couple of pounds each time. The baby is definitely growing, so I'm not worried that she isn't getting enough nutrition. I think she is just starting to crowd my stomach space and I get full on a lot less food. I really find myself needing snacks now, especially in the afternoon. The last week or so, I have found myself nauseous almost every morning. I'm really hoping this isn't the 1st trimester repeating itself all over again. Usually it passes after a little while, but some mornings have been really bad. I was hoping I wouldn't have to refill my Zofran again, but if this last week is any indication, it may not be a choice.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few months of this experience, but I'm really excited to meet our baby girl. I have had a couple of dreams now about my doctor delivering her just so I could see her for a little while, and then putting her back in to "cook" a little longer. I think I'm just really anxious to meet her, although I have a ton of anxieties that come along with her birth. I know we will figure it all out, just like millions of people before us, but I do find myself overwhelmed from time to time.

So, here's to another 12 weeks . . . or less. Hopefully less!

Stubborn or Shy?

Today I had an appointment with Dr. Chatman, my high risk doctor. We always love going to these appointments, because we get to see our little munchkin on camera. John was running a little late, so I got to see a little more this time than he did. As is usual, our baby girl was not very forthcoming with her face. The tech takes measurements every time, and almost every time he has to mark both the face and the spine as "poorly seen." We always take this as a bad sign that she is uncooperative and stubborn (like her daddy), but I keep hoping that maybe she's just shy. I understand that she does not have the cognitive ability at this stage in her life to actually decide what she is going to do for the ultrasound, but it's pretty funny to watch her!

After the tech couldn't get a very good shot of her face, the doctor came in to try. It was so funny to watch it all play out on this big screen mounted on the wall. She was kind of curled up - literally in the fetal position. The more the doctor prodded her, the more she tucked her head down. At one point, John came over and pushed on my stomach, and she curled up so tight, it was impossible to see anything. We all laughed at that one. My doctor has a great personality, and always puts me at ease. It's fun to "gab" with her at my appointments.

One thing they're keeping an eye on is her stomach measurement is starting to get a little big in proportion to the rest of her. When Dr. Chatman brought this to our attention, I immediately felt guilty, and asked what I could do differently. I still haven't gained any weight - in fact I had lost 2 pounds at this appointment, but I still felt like there was something I was doing wrong. She told me not to worry, and there's nothing I'm doing wrong, they just want to keep an eye on it. She said the only concern is that she could get too big in her upper body for delivery. She is still measuring within normal range. Her femur always measures pretty long, so maybe she'll be tall to even out her tummy a little bit. I do know that no matter what, we can't wait to snuggle that little jellybean in a couple of months!

This is the best shot we got of her face today

Not wanting to show her face for us

All curled up in a little ball!